what's right or wrong

it felt so real. for the first time after so long.

the signs were real, the feelings were real. the kisses were real.

was it the right thing to do? guilt die in me yet i pray every night that we've hope.

not sure if it's silly to say, but it really feels different this time.

but i guess, as i type this, this will end too.

my fate is destined, to just suffer in the realm of love.

never be able to own one, officially, proudly.

it's too difficult inside me. on cloud nine one moment, and gets beaten down hard the next moment.

fear that this ends, makes me tremble. but, how long will it last?

God, i thought you've sent love to me, answering my prayers. please help.me.

i don't want anyone to be hurt. myself too.

when timing is all that matters

only if i am a decade earlier; fate,

played me again and again;

put me to the test of control;

caught me stealing touches;

left me in the bewilderedness;

thinking what to do next.

when can i call you mine? 

the month of Feb

33rd v.day

or technically 32nd since i was born 20

this part of my life that i am most ashamed of

with a scorecard of zero to kick me out of league each time

and it is like no matter how much effort you put it

it is never just yours that matter

but i thank God i have friends and work to fully distract me

at least some parts i am proud

and albeit the setbacks

there is always a strange sense of perseverance 

and hope💕

eve of Christ

tbh, i thought it could be it.

the jittery, nervously almost put me out.

i went and i enjoyed.

but the fairytale ending always far from me.

almost believing this one is not pretend.

so close. so close. still so far.....

rainy day

the best thing about rainy day is sharing one umbrella with you;

the darkest thing about rainy day is the rain will stop;

the loveliest thing about rainy day is the blissful feeling every second near you;

the strangest thing about rainy day is the same does not happen again.

not destined to fall for rain then go for the sunshine. the umbrella moment can still happen.

keeping faith and love alive.

xoxo

Embrace God's love is to be loved

I always think that God has it all planned. Almost there.

Your presence, words and actions seem to be telling me something.

Whatever the outcome, I still thank God for bringing me to where I am today.

There is no way I can get this far without your guidance, grace and faith.

Reading through posts x years ago. I hope someday I will read this too and smile.

I am still learning. There are challenges each day.

And i take each precious moment, as a chance to embrace God's love, love myself more and love those around me.

I'm not there yet, but i'm getting there.

Please bless me the strength to carry on. Amen.

backspace

2019.

backspace backspace backspace
and if life allows backspace
where would you stop?

black Fridae.
or now, maybe.

be frozen; where no reaction is a reaction.

end 2018 quick

oh and 2018 has been well.
but, too many wrenching events happened that i try so hard avoiding the fact.
really hope this is the end.
the year ends mark a fresh beginning.


and then this feeling comes again.

keep it moving fast then since it can't go away..
and those glimpse of hope and future.

dilemma

should you give your parents money if they ask?

yes
1) they would have given to you too
2) they had been providing for so many years
3) age is catching up, just let they enjoy

No
1) they might gamble it
2) there is no valid reason
3) save for future rainy days

its a tie.
money is vice and is the root of all evil.
so is penny.

The End

will you stay?

once thought that was a guardian angel

once thought prayers were answered

once thought it was a fairytale

were once upon a time a thought

the end is approaching

and its not happily ever after

20 February

just before the clock strikes twelve
just before turning 30
just before the next day
just before you know it, it's here

though hasn't achieved much
life has been fair so far
though couldn't ask for more
could've done better

looking forward to the next 30
with greater meaning in life
and responsibilities entail

kumsahamnida; for the gift of life

i need to come to my senses
#cometome

perfect

"we are in this together"
then came the news of otherwise
and with no second breath
i cried a bucket

please don't go
come back

#please.

a part of me not giving up

as much as i try not to be too reliant,

don't leave me alone too often.

prayed and asked if thats you

it looks like

but had to reminding not to fall into it

sometimes its best not to start

you came back like an angel

so much that i couldn't believe how true

theres many options laid out

and i chose the one thats most challenging

because i know

you'll be with me

keep faith on self

it took only 4months
maybe some took only seconds
.....

relive the worst moments worst memories
remind the pain and sadness
recall the loneliness and helplessness
in order to stay awake

no fantasy no dreams

remember to smile and continue blessing
even if bleeding.

its better to suffer an injustice
than to commit one

you're my everything

time to stop and feel the world with your inner senses
time to know yourself
to give yourself the chance to live the life you want

Its not going to be easy
Its going to be different
walk out and walk far
don't look back

everything will simply fall into place

pray for me
to find me

you

this seems to be the pouring platform
for things that stay entangled in the heart
just doesn't seem to get out of it

i prayed and thought its over
but moment like this still stumped me
taken aback by how significant the impact is on yours truly
its really depressing to know,
i never got over it

i really want to be good
to be praying for your well wishes
but not only did i not able to do that
i seemed to be feeling really unjust

how could someone forget his roots
forget entirely who and how others helped you to get to where you are today
who paved the way for you
who motivated you and believed in you when the entire world doesn't !

all i ask for, is a thank you.

save me

and its black friday today.
today i lost my gold bracelet.

it isn't so much about the money.
but more about the value and meaning.
so, this is how it feels like to lose something.

positivity is diminishing.
so difficult and almost impossible.
gave it all and yet more disappointment than not.

i pray to God. and i pray again.
simplicity is bliss.

please give me the strength to carry on.
hold faith stronger.
and closer to heart.

i just want to sit in the Adoration room and stay in silence....

nobody is nice

I'm neither saint
its really hard to accept it

do i really have to act like i'm fine?

i'm NOT FINE!
i hate you!
I curse you!
i want you to suffer! worst than what I'm going through!
knowing that you do badly, will help me to feel better

i dont deserve this

bless other is to bless self

thank God for letting me know
for making me let go

twice and i felt that you helped me
im thankful and appreciate how you carry me through

same as i said to him before
i still wish him (them) bliss and happiness

true love is not necessary to spend it with you
but to let you have love your way

knowing that you're happy
im glad

heartache no

and so everything was a lie.
why. why is it me?
it hurts inside out.

it takes all my might to conceal.
my strength to behave normally.
my everything, to continue smiling.

tears no longer mean anything.
hope all crash.
you bring me up and hit me hard.

maybe i need to learn the hard way.
maybe this is how i need to move on.

but.
i dontknow what to do next.

am always there for you
and who's there when i needed you the most