i don't know how

i admit, i'm sensitive to YOUR numbers.
the moment you you and you talks about money, or spending, 
my mind just goes on a 'red alert' mode and i admit, i become cynical every time.

do you know it was you who made me like this?
i aint any stingy or ungenerous person. in fact just the opposite i am to my friends.
it isn't that i don't want to give you more and more monies.
i really want to.

I'm equally astonished and dumbfounded to realise how little the 3 of you saved and yet have the opportunities to travel, and to enjoy life.

is it that i don't know how to enjoy? and thats why I'm so unhappy?

God, i pray to you once again.
please guide me to my happiness.
im lost. 

i envy how little they have, yet they still can have fun.
in my mind, its about working hard, earn and save enough, so as to be able to still afford life if any unfortunate unforeseen incidents happen.
i don't wish that i would need to beg or have people to help. i know there will be those who are willing to offer, but, shouldn't we always try to solve problems by ourselves first?

is my sense of responsibility too strong?

yes, then how? God i need your advice.
I'm don't know how to balance.

i've bought the chanel bag.
i buy it because i think, after all these drama, i have nothing.
and perhaps a lil material item may perk me.
but i was wrong. i aint happy still.

God, whats wrong with me?
am i asking too much from others?
am i giving myself too much unnecessary stress?

how should i proceed from here?
can you you and you understand me just a tad more.

i pray. to end all these.

i pray. i pray and i prayed.
i pray to God for love, for happiness, for peace.

yes they may be right that i don't have to bear this all.
i don't have to worry, i just need to do what I'm needed to.

is that true?
i can't be selfish and care only about my own happiness can i?
i can't be short sighted and care only about now and not future can i?

i really don't know how to enjoy.
i really don't know what to do.
i spend so much time and effort contemplating even the smallest little family issue.
at the end all i get is, to let go and take it easy.

have i been taking it too much on myself?
am i to pity myself now?

i really don't know.
everything simply so pointless now.

honestly, if i die tomorrow, i die with no regrets already.
please God, let me go if thats easier.

every step i take is like a battle to fight.
I'm losing faith and losing strength.
i don't know what to do and how to do it.
for 28 years to be, I'm still on the same spot.

i don't want to live anymore.
i have had good friends. i have had great buddies at work. i have had superb bosses.
I'm contented and i cannot ask for more.
i love work, i love my colleagues, i love my friends more than anyone else.
and for that, i thank God for them.

with these, I'm proud to say, I've lived.
thank you and good bye.

take me away please.

AMEN

Please don't play with my heart

Pending: NY Reso

4.Jan.2016.

Monday.

New Year Resolutions

(1) 

How to be a better person?

you built it yourself

heart ache.

year on year, achieved nothing.
future is bleak.

i miss you.

Merry Christmas

Christmas

In just 365 days, so much has changed.

Feelings changed. Place changed. Current changed. Future changed.

Please answer my prayers please.

Today, i met two very fortunate women.

How i wish i could be just as lucky.

I really wish, i am lucky too.

In this season of giving, i give thanks to the men in my life.

I thank you for being there as a support and letting me know that you guys care.

I am blessed after all.

Thank you my men(:

Merry Christmas.

#itsalotlikechristmas

I continue to pray for a better christmas next year

im sorry

interestingly
just over 1 night (or 2)
biological hormones work its way.

never dropped an eye before.
and i think we both felt the same.
then again, pretty sure its not lasting either.

its weird how God made us feel love.
but i really do need love i can call mine.

its hard to control
its hard to say no
and I'm upset because
i realise my principles weren't so strong after all.

Dear God,
Please bless me with blissfulness and happiness.