lost

everyday and everynight will never be the same
dumb is just an understatement.
no words can describe the internal turmoil
when smile is just an act
and speech is just for show

nonsense maybe for now
but never sensible for long
whats want and whats need
whats you and whats me
a little gesture a few words
lights a lamp that leads the way
or blow off the fire that keeps the warmth

fairy tales are tales to say
to lie its way to make a dream
wheres the happy ending
when theres no prince no princess stay

no hero no heroin
no magic no power
no will no strength
no wish no hope

when bells start ringing
thats when i think im wind

wads there

if i can answer again
i will say no right now

silly stupid dumb crazy mad

hate myself

limited language
restricted vocab
banned action
so how to say

a sport that cannot win
an instrument that cannot play
no words no ways no chance to say

its bitter its sour
less spicy
yet blended and
taste nothing

i hate to say. what i cannot say.

pls make me believe

do u know how it feels to see your mailbox flooded with tons of mails regarding things that u dont wish to know?
pls make me believe..
which i still dont..
im really finding it hard..
im losing control..
i can still smile..
i can still talk..
but its never the same as before..
i dont want to know why..
i just want to get over..
u can try to convince me..
but i dont see how..
even if i have to lie every day..
cry every night..
i know the last day will still come..
im just praying.. for the day to come fast..
before i run out

a moment.

engulfed with sadness.
overwhelmed with gloominess.
filled with emptiness.
going into a state of melancholy that u have never seen.

gripping tightly,
to nothing,
come to realization,
to a false illusion.


would u pls share your happiness with me?
because i cant find mine
all i can feel is heartaches.

u said im old enough to think for myself.
but im not myself.
my life is not just mine.
is it all that easy?

im seeing what i wish i cant
im hearing what i wish i cant
im doing what i wish i dont

its not optimistic to be optimistic after all.

4hrs sleeps

im awake.
wide awake.
but im not too sure.
maybe its just.
even though i really.

crushed ice

counting down.
to an end or to a start?
this time its unusual.
its all or nothing.
taken all. and feel like a doll.
was it a choice? or was there a choice?
still in the midst.
kept numb. or rather, make numb.
glad that braces make unnatural, natural.
whats wrong was right? or all rights have a wrong.
i wish u can tell me.
but is it still meaningful?
i think at least u do.
in the search for intangibles, yet real.
maybe i should just lie to myself.
at least they heal.