what other ways

im finding it harder each day to carry the umbrella
im trying to divert my attention away from the house
but its hitting me back times and again
im trying to run away from it
but the serotonin was just temporary
im trying to cover myself up
but i cant hid from nobody
im trying to find happiness
but im lost
and it boils down to the question of why me?
i can never answer my own question

ugly me

bye

hamster father benben left
not knowing if it was exactly 30th march 09
hais
can still remember vividly the times we went to pick her
she wipes her face
she runs real fast
almost off the bus
and then it turns out to be a him
like i said
its either u leave first
or others will leave before you
but now, i dontknow which is better

the overflowing sink

maybe u dont know
not even the slightest idea
so well that i can hide
from u the truth behind

the comfort that i had
i dontknow where is it
im controlling but im losing
the balance of all things

im sorry

make me laugh pls

ignore this pls

i dont know if i can do anything
i wish i cant
but i need to
and whatever that im doing pierce me through
as i smile and say everythings okie
i dont mean it
i hate whats happening
those nights that haunt me for 21years
earlier some people told me theres hope
i kept my fingers cross and told them not really
why does it all happen even though i anticipated it
i knew its gona blow
just dont know when
if i have magic power
i make u freeze
have u ever imagine the fear and tears im getting used to
knowing what will come yet unsure of what to do
i can only say 'dont shout' but when will u guys ever listen to me
im so apologetic to my relatives
i know how much u guys tried to help
but times n again we let u down
i really hate and especially sorry to make my problem your problem too
this has happened so many times but i can say im still not numb
i dont like u guys to see from one point only
but i find it hard to strike the balance myself
i cant help to feel and look old and i want my childishness too
i cant help but keep thinking of what has happened
i cant stop wondering how theyre doing
i cant rest cos i needa think of ways to resolve
or at least make the best out of it
i cant hesitate i cant be slow
but
i cant stand it anymore
yet i know more is about to come
just when can i leave this
maybe they will only realize when they found out one day
im gone
i lose the hope to move on
i lose the life to live on
i lose the power to lead on
one problem leads to another
sometimes i wish im the bad one

pretty ugly

leaving is indeed a quick fix and might just be the best solution

just've to

its unhealthy to heart
but i'll feel even worse to hurt others'
that's me and its just me i know
and going with the flow seems to be the only way
do what im supposed to
needed to and
maybe that'll lead to somewhere better
somewhere new
that i can only imagine for now


u can tell a fake laughter
but u cant tell a fake smile

theres no way to hide

sometimes u ask for more choices
becos u feel like ure left with none
while some other times when u have choices
u wish u dont have to choose

selfless but sad
selfish and bad

its arriving at another checkpoint
where red tapes are all around
which make decisions shake
and loss of directionality
then come to realisation
that im stuck

i told daddy im not a good person.
daddy smiled and said he will take note.


Hi jianli! havent seen u for real ages!
Hey von! haha so qiao! i want a treat from them! cos im their product! haha