unbelievable truth

I told myself to accept.

Nameless.
Darkness.
Feign ignorance.
Feign undisturbed.
Ask for less.
Give my best.

Putting everything and everyone else before me.
Feeling the guilt and swallowing every unpleasant word possible down my throat.
Smile and hold hopes to the tiniest sight of you, the softest sound of yours, the thinest smell of you and the slightest touch of yours.
Suppressing every single feel of yearning more.
Thinking that that's okay and enough.

All that felt like air on the diminishing sight of your back.
Deep inhale.

Reality slapped harder when the wait for you were filled with tons of care and concern.
Why was I like that.
And why now.

The day I thought of you.
The day you walked towards me.
The moment you moved closer to me.
Seemed like fairytale now. How can it be real I thought.
And just as I thought, it can't be for real.

Lost.
Yet another round of fear.
Fear in the bones, in the soul.