buzzz

oh man! im so looking forward to Alevels!!
muhaaha.. that's because snco camp (its a stjohn camp anyway) is right after that!!
and yea! guess who i can meet there.. muhaahahaaa... sooo sweeettt!~
haha! im fascinated!!
weee!~ camp is really busy. its stretches for 5days! with lots to accomplish on a single day!
not paid. not enough sleep. no comfortable beds. arrhhHH! wad the hell right! haha.. but well, that's the speciality of st john camps!
challenge yrself! =)

life is such a breeze~

undo

a folded piece of paper, will remain folded no matter how much u tried to unfold it, u will never remove the crease.

out to kill~

i've finally learnt how to liberate myself from the inhumane creature and its iniquities.
that it to laugh!
but seriously, if i have the opportunity and courage, i'll not hesitate to eliminate it from this earth. =)
well i dont think that my friends who i meet almost everyday in school deserve my blacken face right. actually we are a bunch of funny people! we've the most craziest aka big bully, kit! the english-pro, alison! the shopping queen with v.different perspective on issues, lowcharis! the cheena-pro, teresa! and of course the appear most studious, 'guai' girl but infact can be really evil at times, zheng yi! hahaa!! i shall not describe myself.. =)
today i just made a fool out of myself. well, having different frequency with them. we were all talking, then my blurred face appeared, they asked if i understd "yea yeah! u guys mean ...."! haha. my answer just knock them out! and they all gave me the "whack me plz leeling" look! LOL! damn funny with all the "3 strokes" coming down from the sides of their faces! hahaa! and of course, i've just convinced them that im slow huh? hahaa!
and oh my class, wohoo! finally, i've just told jl (assistant rep) that im going to hand him all the class rep duties! coz im so sick of serving the class for 6terms! i guess im kind enough to just leave him with 2 more terms, which is practically nth much to do due to exams. =)
just went back for st john on sat. its a jnco trainer/trainee briefing. woah. its been a vlong time since i step into st john era again. and this time, im there as practically nth larh. coz i didnt want to be a trainer for that camp. so im there to observe? supervise? and learn of coz! met many frens there.. so happy. tpss corps is dieing man! and guess wad! im not feeling any sad abt it! the best is it closes! wohoo! story ends with the departure of an incompetent person. and i heard tt pl and hw going for snco again!! this time with different postings! wohoo!! im really looking forward to it! hahaa!! bless me with a gd post! =) hahaa.. my fav snco, held in tpss, with my idols!! weee~ hahaha.. oh heard sumthg tt i guess i shouldnt know, from w. and gosh. the news didnt really shock me much. but it does to hc and g. hmm. more or less, i know wads behind the cunning culprit's mind. so its predictable larh. will have to start our evil plans after my exams! =) wahaha..
just dont know why, i met so many devils in this 18 yrs of my life. and they're still haunting me! so i'll wipe them all out one day!

let go

i always turn to my blog as my last resort.
im not happy. not at all. stop lieing. stop pretending.
i refused to believe in god. in jesus. in heaven. or in guanyin. in pu sha. in tian ting. becoz i just dont see them helping me. im being mentally tortured almost everyday of my life. my family school st john are pushing me to the edge. i've long forgotten the sense of happiness. the feeling of peacefulness and the loving for people. if god/guanyin really exists, then why isnt he/she saving me? i cant devote myself to them, coz they've nve proven to me that they exist and have heard my grievances.
i thought my sis has changed for the better. i convinced myself and i tried to convince others too. i think that we should be glad tt at least there IS some little positive changes. but i was wrong again. i just realised im so naive to have believed her. now that i got no room of my own and have to sleep w my parents, my mum got so miserable becoz she doesnt hav her privacy with my dad.
everyone's asking me "why dont u sleep with your sis then?"
do you know. thats my greatest fear. i've long developed fobia after being in da same rm as her for 17yrs. finally gotten my own rm last year and i thought everything's gona be fine. but i was wrong! given up my room was something really nobel! but so wad? some people tt i wish they can understand, just dont!
privacy u want. a life of your own. so u cant share with me. means wad? my dear, i dont have my own privacy too! u think i love to sleep share the rm with u once again?! privacy privacy own life own life.. how about me? i just need u to spare a little thought for me. serious speaking, i dont have a life of my own either! im not living for myself. and yet i've to face so much problems and stress that dont belong to me! who's there to understand? all i ask for is some cooperation. but people just dont seem to get it. and they've just made my life worse. maybe my life means nth to them. and if that's true. it really sad.
i always feel that im suffering much more than i should be enjoying. the problems that im facing just shouldnt be there. im innocently being implicated into such misfortune. and wad can i do? being able to think sensibly (tt is really somethg tt i wish i cant do!) puts me in a worser situation!
if im a bad person, i can jolly well let my granduncle slps in the living rm (but i cant make myself do tt).
i can just stop studying so hard and just get myself into an ite will do (but i wan to achieve more).
i should just ignore people's feelings and do wadeva i want (but i cant make myself do tt either).
if only im childish and selfish. eventhough many will dislike me, but i believe i can be much more happier den im now.
life is not making easy for me. it becomes so worthless now.
everyone just dont understand wad im going through.
and nobody will be able to help.
im on my own.
2 problems have merged into one. and its killing me.
i guess i'll hav the living rm to myself then.
god/guanyin, if u're around, let me go.

bread-and-butter

my gang has been having intimate chats on tuesday during our 3 free periods for 2weeks!
well, i thought its really a time for the 5 (thats becoz 1 went over to her bf) of us to know each other better and of coz to share our views and thoughts!! i feel that i understand them more now than before! haha!
the topics we talk about ranges from just a classmate, to anyone on the road! haha. u know, its just girls' talk! boys.. rejections.. love.. emotions.. family.. relationships..
well, seriously, sometimes i just dont feel comfortable giving my thoughts to others. perhaps i feel that 'chey, its nothing sensible to discuss.' or rather, i dont want to share my feelings. haha! i've problem opening up too! of coz, as the subject gets hot, i just lose it out! haha. oh! we had the session in the library! so u can imagine, we were trying hard to be soft. but often, we just couldnt control! hahaa! it was funny! overly-suspicious and highly discretive!
oh wana thank people for ur concerns. like i mentioned above, somehow i may feel awkward to voice out my emotions to you guys. but im definitely feeling better now. blog has been a way for me to vent my anger and voice my sorrows. and of coz. luckily i still hav angela n joanna (not hweechin bcoz she's wking) for me to pour out my miseries. i duno when will i be in depression again, so someday u'll definitely be a gd help to me! hee! so thank you all!
enough of that. tomorrow morning im meeting the so-called terminator, the fiercest ang-moh tutor in my sch! why? yea who else but my not-really-grateful class! the prom night money collection was a chaos. the tutor is firing at any chairperson that enter his office (practically we're digging our own graves!)! he never gives u a chance to speak my dear. i had many encounters with him on the previous money collection. and now! my goodness! another to go! and worse still, he demands to see me. for the fact that i passed the collection thingie to my assistant. oh man. this is crapz. he's supposed to help me but instead im giving myself more problem! not trying to blame anyone of course. but im so sure that tutor will not let me off easily. i'll have to stuff cotton buds in my ears before entering his office man! and yea. mentally prepared. perhaps, i should just smile and nod and smile. (pls dont flare!) haha.
(though very few clssmates read my blog but still) class, do you know how much i've done for you? and all that were not becoz i'll benefit in anyway. its just becoz its my duty. and all that i ask from u is some appreciation and cooperation. am i very demanding?

think about it.

hapless victim

sighh..
my happiness lasted for just a year.
having my sista case partially closed. now immersed another huge problem.
school load is large enough to suffocate me and now i've to handle another pressure from family!!
my granduncle is staying with us now. and of course, (not that i dont want to take care of him) im having difficulties coping!!
its definitely a little weird to have another person living with you.. that does not only affect my studying, im mentally challenged too!! i've so much to ponder!! his accommodation, medical bills, ambulance bills, health conditions, diet and even bowel!! of course, i once quarrelled with my dad abt all these and i ended everything by saying "fine! i shall not bother about it anymore! and dont u come and ask me anything!" and guess wad now!! it just cant get off my mind as easily as i've said it!! (how can it be anyway?!) worse still, it concerned me pretty much becoz the dearestest me got to give up my precious, just-gotten, peaceful, own bedroom.. haii.. well, obviously i cant just let him sleep in the living rm can i? (im not that heartless!) in fact, i gave up my room willingly.. i've suggested it anyway.
yea and so, i've got to squeeze my mattress into my parents rm and sharel the rm with them.. its not as easy as u thought! ive got "musics" from snoring, biting teeths, aircondition engine, waterdripping in da toilet.. =) many asked why im not sleeping with my sis!?! that's out of da question!! it would be a nightmare again! and everythgs back to square one!
i feel that im also the only one (perhaps and my dad) entertaining him. why cant they talk? or be normal? im so affected! i've become the translator. or the missy you call it! (i may not be able to control my temper vsoon)
not only have i 'lost' my bedroom which i owned it for only a year.. (a short tranquil period) i've been downgraded to sleeping with my parents! haiii..
im just so bothered by it! im stress! in pain! in dillemma! confused! and terribly miserable! my school is giving me double stress. having to pay $80 for prom and another $30 for panorama concert! haiiii... my classmates think that i must have started revising for common tests, and like always, must've done my homework, but im not doing all that! im totally lost. i cant focus. i nve find time to do hmwk. i cant concentrate on them.. im not as diligent as before!! and i hate it!!
im not trying to be rude. i just hope my granduncle can be in pink of health again. or at least, be like before.
nobody is helping me. the class, cca, schoolwk, home.. everythings driving me nutz..

its the wrong time.
sigh.

1st for dragonboat heats despite having the heavier boat!

u-hoo!! my class got 1st for dragonboat during the seasports carnival heats on tuesday!!
muhahaa!! there is this boat no.4 that is much lighter which won for almost all races. and guess wad! we were in boat no.2 ok!!! not the lighter boat! and yet, we won!! LOL!
pretty much effort goes to dawei and christina (our coaches)! and of course the class spirit that was there. even though the spirit lasted for only a couple of mins (about 2mins), i love and treasured it! its really something that all of us achieved together! haha shall not brag more about it. we still have finals to go!!~ wish us luck!
well, most of the guys were late for the carnival heats tt day!! and poor alison and me have to actually take the initiative to call them up! ugh. that was really bad of them! those who reached were frantic because our class is in dragonboat race 2! and race 1 has began!! and they haven reached! oh my.. worse of all, kit called and said they've boarded the wrong bus and they were at suntec instead (of kallang)!!!! i not sure if they were all guilty about it or not. but seriously, i was having pretty good mood then! so haha! spare u guys from my scoldings!! muhahaa.. u're just lucky! =)
so i didnt scold them. nor were i terribly mad about it (surprisingly)! haha. but i truly appreciate ziyang and alvin for rushing over. i saw u guys running from far!! =P of course not mentioning those who didnt feel and think that they're so irresponsible for making the rest wait!
yea. so we reported late and were in race3 instead! atleast still in time to make it! and u guys r just so lucky that we've got first! haha. if not, i guess some peoples' face gona turn real black (not me!) =x
alright. had lots of problems with first aid man!! no fap for us!! duhh.. so practically the equipments were brought there for the sake of it! right after dragonboat (coming first), we all gave up our novelty races and left kallang. charis and me went to beach road army market to collect (wad else can it be but..) class shirts!! oh my. it was so much heavier than i thought! and two pretty yet exhausted and smelly girls (charis & me!) have to carry them!! haha.. but well, had good time eating there too!! and of course, the capable and strong lady (that's me again! haha) carried both bags of 26 shirts back home (from mrt where charis alight)!! hahaa.. carried to the bus interchange and sqeezed up the packed bus like a crazy woman! s'poreans are just so unhelpful! =ok. so now the shirts are all lying in my room. wait till someone bought the fabric paint and msg me to bring them to school. (if not they'll just be all mine! muhaaha!) yea. until they get their shirts, my job is done!
actually, its not an obligation! why m i doing so much?! arhhHhh!!
too responsible again! haha!

to fat, pin, alison: thanks!! =)

i love the school's track! =)

new blogskinx

finally changed a new blogskin. its really nice!
ok.. nice colour nice background too! haha. self praising*
anyway, if any of u wana tag. follow the steps below:
1) click on the time that i've posted.
2) click on 'post a comment'
yea and proceed with wadeva comments that u've.


its a real real bad bad days im having. and im expecting more to come. the worse isnt here yet. probably in a few more days..
life is really sucking me up..
i've thought about this.. even if i were to leave the world now, its not my family that i can't let go. its my extended family and friends..
people kept saying that i've this stuck up face as though someone owed me million dollars.. (im so used to this comment) well, have u wondered why u kept seeing that face of mine? that's because im always irritated when i see u. and u definitely dont deserve my smile.

screwed

so in the end, i sacrifice my last blue faculty shirt. and im left with none.
not that i want it of course, im not a saint anyway.
i've no choice.
so am i asking for a lot of appreciation from u people? or you just dont know how to express gratitude?
thanks to my gang of friends in class, kit, charis, zhengyi, teresa and alison. u guys made my contributions more worthwhile.
the school the authorities the tutors the councillors and the factory involved should just kill themselves for screwing up such simple things!

rants

when one bad thing happens, there's bound to be another. and another. and another..
just when i thought i can take a little rest, matters begin. first is the class faculty shirts.
the shirts given to me (for my class) do not tally with the list that i've submitted! and of course, some people get size L instead of S!! this is ridiculous right. how do u expect us to wear? most importantly, we paid $10 each to the councillors (useless!). Then there's this annoying person who came up to me and said:
"why L!? how could i get L?!"
"i ordered M and not L.. i should have my M.. who took my M?"
wad da fuck i thought and gave tt person an irritated look.
not did the person get my message and get lost, that person still continues:
"why dun u collect back all the shirts and give out again? at the same time write down the sizes that they take."
wad da fuck!! she's thinking that someone took her shirt! but obviously it was the councillors/suppliers who made a mistake in the order!!! for your infomation, she's a councillor herself!!
so yr most responsible class rep (thats me!) couldnt take it anymore and shouted back "that's none of my business!!!" and finally she retreat!
LOL.. come to think, im not angry anymore. but yet i find it damn funny larh! hahaa!! but seriously, wad u expect me to do at that moment?? immediately snatch from someone and give u an M size shirt?! can't you wait?!? the rest wasnt making any noise about it ok!! sickening. and all that you can do is to grumble and grumble!!
see! i knew this thing will happen so i left ziyang with the order thingie and collection of $$. nevertheless, when something happens, everyone comes to yours truly (me!) again.. this fac shirt is driving me nutz!! i've been searching high n low for yazid (the teacher in charge) and hopefully he can gave me an answer. all that the useless coward irresponsible fucking asshole councillors can do is to say "its the factory that screw up yr orders." so it isnt their fault huh!! kiss my ass..
yea im damn mad n pissed with this stupid thing that im like in-charge of. i know its not my fault. but i just want to get things right! and make sure everyone is happy with his or her own shirt! even iiiiii have to sacrifice my own shirt!!!!!...
and now 3 duties to do for first aid society. sportsday this friday and seasports carnival heats! so much to plan, so much to decide, so much to do, so little time!! haii.. im doing my best for my cca already (tts coz im the president!) and i really hope i can hand over in july!!!!!!!!!~~~~~~~~ god bless.

-- end of ranting --

please

if life and being alive meant to be torment, i would rather, i was never borned.
you started your life crying, with everyone around you smiling.
and end it with everyone crying.
today, i saw the agony on your face, and it just made me lose everything. i wish i can be stronger. but i realised im human too.
i prayed to god, to ancestors, to reduce my lifespan and add to yours. i beg them not to take your soul away, but please take your pain and sufferings. i dont mind sharing physical agony with you..
school makes me coldhearted. i actually placed studies on top priority instead of my love ones. i neglect them, flared at them, all because of sch work. if i dont have to attend school, dont have to worry about passing examinations, then i would definitely have visited you more often. i really regret for thinking but not doing so earlier. must life really be like this? or just mine? i hate myself for being selfish. i hate myself for not putting myself in your shoes. i really would love and want to see you more often, just like my parents. but i cant. and why..
why is life so cruel?
sometimes i'll get mad with god. why? for not helping my family and i. for not being benevolent. for putting me through so much hardship which i feel that i shouldnt have. but in times of crisis, i'll still pray..
please god. save my granduncle. my family and me.

i wish to walk onto the beach at 80yrs old, and not wheeled. i wish to eat, to chew, to swallow through my mouth, and not through tubes.
If being alive is to worry about money, love, studies and health, then my biggest regret is to be alive.