i don't know how

i admit, i'm sensitive to YOUR numbers.
the moment you you and you talks about money, or spending, 
my mind just goes on a 'red alert' mode and i admit, i become cynical every time.

do you know it was you who made me like this?
i aint any stingy or ungenerous person. in fact just the opposite i am to my friends.
it isn't that i don't want to give you more and more monies.
i really want to.

I'm equally astonished and dumbfounded to realise how little the 3 of you saved and yet have the opportunities to travel, and to enjoy life.

is it that i don't know how to enjoy? and thats why I'm so unhappy?

God, i pray to you once again.
please guide me to my happiness.
im lost. 

i envy how little they have, yet they still can have fun.
in my mind, its about working hard, earn and save enough, so as to be able to still afford life if any unfortunate unforeseen incidents happen.
i don't wish that i would need to beg or have people to help. i know there will be those who are willing to offer, but, shouldn't we always try to solve problems by ourselves first?

is my sense of responsibility too strong?

yes, then how? God i need your advice.
I'm don't know how to balance.

i've bought the chanel bag.
i buy it because i think, after all these drama, i have nothing.
and perhaps a lil material item may perk me.
but i was wrong. i aint happy still.

God, whats wrong with me?
am i asking too much from others?
am i giving myself too much unnecessary stress?

how should i proceed from here?
can you you and you understand me just a tad more.