let go

i always turn to my blog as my last resort.
im not happy. not at all. stop lieing. stop pretending.
i refused to believe in god. in jesus. in heaven. or in guanyin. in pu sha. in tian ting. becoz i just dont see them helping me. im being mentally tortured almost everyday of my life. my family school st john are pushing me to the edge. i've long forgotten the sense of happiness. the feeling of peacefulness and the loving for people. if god/guanyin really exists, then why isnt he/she saving me? i cant devote myself to them, coz they've nve proven to me that they exist and have heard my grievances.
i thought my sis has changed for the better. i convinced myself and i tried to convince others too. i think that we should be glad tt at least there IS some little positive changes. but i was wrong again. i just realised im so naive to have believed her. now that i got no room of my own and have to sleep w my parents, my mum got so miserable becoz she doesnt hav her privacy with my dad.
everyone's asking me "why dont u sleep with your sis then?"
do you know. thats my greatest fear. i've long developed fobia after being in da same rm as her for 17yrs. finally gotten my own rm last year and i thought everything's gona be fine. but i was wrong! given up my room was something really nobel! but so wad? some people tt i wish they can understand, just dont!
privacy u want. a life of your own. so u cant share with me. means wad? my dear, i dont have my own privacy too! u think i love to sleep share the rm with u once again?! privacy privacy own life own life.. how about me? i just need u to spare a little thought for me. serious speaking, i dont have a life of my own either! im not living for myself. and yet i've to face so much problems and stress that dont belong to me! who's there to understand? all i ask for is some cooperation. but people just dont seem to get it. and they've just made my life worse. maybe my life means nth to them. and if that's true. it really sad.
i always feel that im suffering much more than i should be enjoying. the problems that im facing just shouldnt be there. im innocently being implicated into such misfortune. and wad can i do? being able to think sensibly (tt is really somethg tt i wish i cant do!) puts me in a worser situation!
if im a bad person, i can jolly well let my granduncle slps in the living rm (but i cant make myself do tt).
i can just stop studying so hard and just get myself into an ite will do (but i wan to achieve more).
i should just ignore people's feelings and do wadeva i want (but i cant make myself do tt either).
if only im childish and selfish. eventhough many will dislike me, but i believe i can be much more happier den im now.
life is not making easy for me. it becomes so worthless now.
everyone just dont understand wad im going through.
and nobody will be able to help.
im on my own.
2 problems have merged into one. and its killing me.
i guess i'll hav the living rm to myself then.
god/guanyin, if u're around, let me go.