how about rainbow?

although its snowing season

it can never snow here

eventhough one can wish and pray and hope for it
will still ended up having only artificial snow

these sistas are real =)

i just wana say

see the babies of winter white mother and safyer winter white father!
super cutie pies!! they're 8days old! so vulnerable so adorable!

i love you!

when theyre 5days old

bought milk and vitamin drinks, vege sticks for hamster mother. hamster father is currently separated from hamster mother and their babies. while hamster mother is busy feeding her 6 and keeping them warm and safe. see how fast the 6 hammies are growing. healthy and strong. =)


felt the tiny life with my finger yesterday. so little, so cute, so lovely. cant wait for next week, as they become older, and to play with them.
identifying each of them would be fun. i hope.


how much can we all take.
im unsure. uncertain. and very unassured.
and sorry for being so ungrateful. uncontended.
i ought to be smiling.
but im not. yet maybe.




its so hard to say i love you

sweet moments

cutie pies gave birth! 151208

birth of 'do re me fa so la' or 'abcdef' or '123456'! hee!

its really a surprise. theyre parents now!

inexplainable mixed feelings.

so much felt. so little to say.

maybe the meaning holds too strongly.

we make mistakes.

and miracle/magic happens.

everythings possible after all.

locate direction

its so hard to be right

almost

havent seen rainbow for a long long time
not that it hasnt been raining
but raindow hasnt been showing
or is it not to me?

i smiled. did you.

not learning at all

how long do u take to realize
how long do u take to respond
and how long do u take to accept
is late really better than never
or its plain too late

no matter how loud inside me is screaming
ive got to do whats needed
faking like i know a lot
faking like im freaking concern
faking like i dont matter

take the responsibility away from me
as i seek my own
as i try to handle those at hands
as i strive to be who i wana be
by 21

dont assume
dont think
dont lie

im trying to pretend. to act. to lie.
my cutie pies..

never say

gone for the good. to see no evil.

but its only temporary.

no excuses. no reasons. no more to tell.

afraid still. for whats underneath. yet to be discovered.

no anticipation. no imagination. no fascination.

just degradation.

i smiled because of you

frosty

so even if it was just a shake, its still a touch.
one that makes your heart skipped a beat.
one that freezes you and everyone around.
silly it sounds
yet everything is so biologically physiologically surrealistic.

if replacement really makes one feels better,
it also does make another feels worse.
if being forgetful is minor,
how about being forgetfully ungrateful?

if magic really exists, i will make one for you.
its all about you being happy that matters.

blocking out

used to do it myself.
then use to have it with others.
and getting back to it myself.
a great run it was.
back to the same old place through the same old route.
how silly to keep going, not once but twice the way.
the shadow's moving, the person is moving, but the heart isnt.
i really miss running with lawlee!

irony.
half of me looking forward to post exam.
but not the other halve.
even at this period, emails are bombarding and i cant imagine how im going to cope with it next sem.
anticipated fears and tears.
im trying really hard to convince. to the extent of lieing to myself each day.
but i know the days will come.
no matter how ugly i am.
ive to do what im "unknowingly" supposed to.

insomnia is not bliss.
the taste of awaking is worse.
why a sudden change in effect.
drastic.

beats me

somebody else's business
where a listening ear
some hearty responses
a tight hug
and a smile
are all that i can give

sometimes u question "why me"
and before u ever know the answer
u're doing it again

coz youre the answer

to get use to

pulling it through.
just like have always did.

theres nothing to expect anyway.
just do.

say or show

to the tiniest beam of light that im still holding on
where are you directing me to
will there be an array of colours
which is imaginable yet never seem achievable
hasten the speed of light
before darkness starts domineering
when i not only lose you, but the world.

so fast 112299

on the very day.
my life has changed.
for better or worse.
9 years have shown.
unpredictable future. uncontrollable destiny.
follows me, carries me.
the scar that lives with me.

just wana say thanks to my family

cause i need what i want

make no difference in needs and wants.

i should

its only without hopes dreams and wishes, where disappointment wouldnt set in.

stop beating..

silent night

if only we can see, and know exactly whats going on at the other side of the world.
that will really cause much lesser misery and loominess hovering around each and every area filled with uncertainties and troubles.
if only we can exercise transparency and make every thoughts a see-through.
wouldnt that make the world more understood and less confused.

3mths left

last

im swearing.
right inside me.
as i sat there. stood there.
mindless. aimless.
wtf.

im feeling the change. do u?

haemorrhaging

it was so strong
into the eyes.
direct and without a trace of dishonesty.
overwhelmed of the unspoken.
hope that i can dig it out.
leave it farfar away.
so that im sure
there not exist, what i felt.

-no-


You're in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

So close to reaching that famous happy ending
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close So close
And still so far

not secured

standing beside the line
the cold wind blows
the feeling of unknown and uncertainties frightens me
not prepared
to feel so alone
with the overwhelming thoughts of fear
to realise
i cannot be alone.

only then i know i wouldnt fall alone.

the same

i need.
for the reasons to stand.
still.

comfort zone

end off my races for this year with ge women 10k yesterday.
thanks to daddy mummy for driving me to the padang early in the morning! and fetching me back right after. sweetz.
didnt expect it to hurt even during the run. but still, the after-run-effect was remedying, temporary.

and as always, we met up at night with tales of laughters, sorrows and great drinks.
apple blossom

cold

focus.
control.
refrain.
when u dont see the line,
that others drew it.
when u dont hear the words,
that others are saying it.
when u dont feel the love.
cause others are not sharing it.
what u dont understand,
is why neither do they.

过一天像过一年

a revenue of escape.
somewhere bright.
somewhere blissful.
somewhere serene.
somewhere just you and me.
feeling dejected for not rejecting..
i thought time will prove the worth.. but not just yet.
i wish to turn back time. to ibg period.
then i wouldnt have made such a disasterous mistake.
but just when i try to look back,
it all disappeared.. vanished as though there wasnt that time.
maybe it wasnt me that was there..
and made me the me now.. thats not here either
how

i shouldntve a second chance

im stupid.
and its making my everyday miserable.
i dont understand why you dont understand..
when can ive those days back

hurts unknowingly

a wish not to happen.
just how much do you know. about feeling miserable.

when the comfort no longer there,

i was right

like i said.
nothings forever.

lost.

只求能借一点的时间来陪

cutie pie - fei fei (fat fat)
i knew its u! i picked u!
when feifei meets momo.. my first pancake attempt!
im liking this buaya experience.. fun!

the future's so bleak.

thought and sense something.

but seen nothing.

off and lost in this uncommited mystery.

but all i need is a few words from you..

in my name

would u say yes
when your no is diminishing
yet others no is overpowering
and u can only stares back at yourself
with whispers of
unknown

wheres my rainbow..
im missing it

wheres my real smile

i see sadness
i see disappointment
i see stupidity
through my own eyes

wheres the sparkle in your eyes

lost. still.

so it was nothing
like i knew it
.

cold wind blows

the nights so quiet.
why follow.
mind blank.
heart sank.

how long will this last

u can bring it up and bring it down

im willing to trade to be myself
why am i so unhappy when i can be otherwise

how long is this going to last

blame me.
hate me.
love me.

its weird seeing u again.
its often once in a year.
it feels weirder to call u.
and i thought i wont even bother to listen to you.
but apparently, i was saying a lot to you.
and they came from my heart.

like a full moon

shade some light
somethings glowing
aint too sure
but u'll realize it shines brightly
when surroundings are dark

heartfelt.
will u say?

lost

everyday and everynight will never be the same
dumb is just an understatement.
no words can describe the internal turmoil
when smile is just an act
and speech is just for show

nonsense maybe for now
but never sensible for long
whats want and whats need
whats you and whats me
a little gesture a few words
lights a lamp that leads the way
or blow off the fire that keeps the warmth

fairy tales are tales to say
to lie its way to make a dream
wheres the happy ending
when theres no prince no princess stay

no hero no heroin
no magic no power
no will no strength
no wish no hope

when bells start ringing
thats when i think im wind

wads there

if i can answer again
i will say no right now

silly stupid dumb crazy mad

hate myself

limited language
restricted vocab
banned action
so how to say

a sport that cannot win
an instrument that cannot play
no words no ways no chance to say

its bitter its sour
less spicy
yet blended and
taste nothing

i hate to say. what i cannot say.

pls make me believe

do u know how it feels to see your mailbox flooded with tons of mails regarding things that u dont wish to know?
pls make me believe..
which i still dont..
im really finding it hard..
im losing control..
i can still smile..
i can still talk..
but its never the same as before..
i dont want to know why..
i just want to get over..
u can try to convince me..
but i dont see how..
even if i have to lie every day..
cry every night..
i know the last day will still come..
im just praying.. for the day to come fast..
before i run out

a moment.

engulfed with sadness.
overwhelmed with gloominess.
filled with emptiness.
going into a state of melancholy that u have never seen.

gripping tightly,
to nothing,
come to realization,
to a false illusion.


would u pls share your happiness with me?
because i cant find mine
all i can feel is heartaches.

u said im old enough to think for myself.
but im not myself.
my life is not just mine.
is it all that easy?

im seeing what i wish i cant
im hearing what i wish i cant
im doing what i wish i dont

its not optimistic to be optimistic after all.

4hrs sleeps

im awake.
wide awake.
but im not too sure.
maybe its just.
even though i really.

crushed ice

counting down.
to an end or to a start?
this time its unusual.
its all or nothing.
taken all. and feel like a doll.
was it a choice? or was there a choice?
still in the midst.
kept numb. or rather, make numb.
glad that braces make unnatural, natural.
whats wrong was right? or all rights have a wrong.
i wish u can tell me.
but is it still meaningful?
i think at least u do.
in the search for intangibles, yet real.
maybe i should just lie to myself.
at least they heal.

hear who

im blinding myself. driving up the top.
i cant see the way. but i foresee the end.
my heart was not with me i thought.
dont scare me because im fault.


scared is just an understatement.
overwhelming fears, for the moment.
i need u to remind me not to be frighten.

i want to run.
but my legs go numb.
i want to ask u.
but i know u wont.
i want to cry.
which i really need.

all or nothing

it has come to the point where every man is for himself.
why doesnt people come and ask me what i really want instead of just throwing me on stage and expect me to perform and carry a name.
im not superficial. im not attention seeker. im not high flyer. im not high achiever. i just want to be me. but now its a repetition of situations where i really hate to be myself.
if its necessary for me, though for the wrong reason, i need someone else. i dont want a one man show.
im not a heroin, and i do not want to be one. i dont want to act its nothing when its not. i dont want to smile when im obviously unhappy. i dont want to say nevermind when i think it matters a lot. i dont want to fake and laugh through it all.
im serious but youre not. im trying to help but u dont seem to appreciate. i really dont know how much and what u want me to do.

dont say u know.
dont say u understand.
when u do not.
if sacrificing myself is to save u, then whos coming to save me?

running away

can u feel it?

it simply seems like my intuitions are 85% accurate most of the time.

of course, people change. so the other 15% is up to choice and chance.

but still, i cant figure out some things. in particular, yours truly.

i think im amazing! haha.
ran runus 5k two weeks ago. ran ahm 10k last week, which broke my record of 1hr03mins! wee! and did nike 10k yesterday! all 3 in consecutive sundays! =)
felt best running ahm. i guess its my thoughts that brought me forward each time. thats my best run. treasured the moments of ahm.




i felt it. do u?

never know

sometimes i really wonder what am i made of.
or rather, what am i made for.
losing the adrenaline to carry on with days of overwhelming unpredictions.
losing the battle with the devil inside me.
losing the strength i hold on to my belief.
losing the might to stay true.
losing the will to smile.
so sometimes i wonder. why am i me.

it can be hilarious. it may be tickling u.
it can also mean nothing to u.
and all i can do is to say its ok. and act like it really is.
wtf.

dependent on others' happiness to be happy.

shacking yes. nodding no.

i wish ive the intelligence.
i wish ive the ability.
i wish ive the courage.
i wish ive the charm.

empathize with you bro. but the impediments are still there.
nobody will understand. no idea how to elaborate explicitly.
but truly understand how it feels to be in your position.
but politics. passion. are simply not my priorities anymore.
i cannot let that happen. should not. and will not.

but if i ever give a nod. thats when my heart really starts bleeding.


half-time
so surprised to see u back! familiar door knocking but never expected. hahaa. just felt so happy to see u! on yr birthday somemore!
big bro! jiayou! one year older, with one yr more of knowledge, capabilities and skills!
may u clamp your people down like a pivot in the match!

who knows

3 cheers to the end of swoc! and viola! school has started! and my first lect is only at 6pm later!

lost the courage to lead. or rather, prefer to be led, than to lead.
thanks for identifiying me still. i just have to say no.
for theres so much more that i would do, without obligations.

SH orientation

the no day no night is starting in 8mins time.
and by the time i publish the post, thats it, im late.
blacked face. ugzh.
but still gotta go.
go on go on. on and on. until the 8 aug.
nve had looked forward to ndp so much before.
lastly before i go.
im doing this again for blkc. for joyce. for quin laimun emily jieshen.
orientation begins.

nags

everybody desire to be saint.
but they should know that, their inner self is seeking sins to commit all the time.

one more time

a dog came in. screams. freaking out.
shut the door immediately.
injured the dogs leg.
felt so sad. opened the door slightly more. another dog came running in.
shut the door in the nick of time.
to hurt just another dog.
limping back. then.
opened eyes to realize it was too late.
where hurts can never be undone.

silence i keep

ok its oblivion.
but dont ask.
why do i get stuck in an s environment again!
once was stjohn, and now its sh..
not that i loathe, but if i feel that its "clinging" on me, i'll run away.

gosh. i knew its not my cup of tea, and have to do it anyhow.
only i can anticipate the horrors of it all.
pals pls understand, my resentments on orientate.
serious, blatant i am, engulfed with fear and displeasure.

chaya & ciro

contented

thanks coussie!
=)

lazy

my first 10km run!
even though got 'kite flown' by many people, it was definitely worth going, or should i say worth running for. i felt more satisfying than i thought it would be.
finishing in 1hr 09mins! just nice! number27 out of 130 for my category =)
actually had a bad stomach the day before and the following 3days of the run. but i ran still. never regret running. it was more gratifying than anything else i can find. even daddy mummy think im crazy. hee.
my first finishing medal! i cant wait to go for more running!

watched sex and the city with budds.
pretty good movie. especially nice to watch with my goodie friends! just like in the movie, how close the 4 friends are. simply made me envy, and treasure them around me.
i do wish they will be there for me through thick and thin, and i'll be there for them the same way. but i definitely hope i wont celebrate my 50th birthday with them!
haha. its not "them" being the problem, but me! i cant imagine being 50. hehee. ok, not even 30! sounds a little far fetch right now, im sure it will come really soon. oh time. move slowER pls.
so much things undone. and so little time. always the case.
how can i make my teen life worthwhile when i needa study hard, work hard, and still have time to play hard?

too many too short

Redang Island - 20 May - 23 May 08

beautiful beaches, sea, wind, sand, fabulous hotel room, sumptuous meals!

my first organized trip together with friends!

we went snorkelings, swimming, shopping, drinking.. hee bought lots of stuffs from those stopovers.

its recommended more for a relaxing enjoying romantic trip. not a lot of sea games compared to tioman or bintan.

and if u watched the movie "more more tea inn"! yea. its filmed just there! coincidentally we picked the resort on that island. as i watched the movie before. it was really nice to re-watch the movie in my room, on that island, with the inn just outside my window. gosh, it felt even better when the live band sang the more more tea's song. ooww.. the feeling was simply undescrible. so surreal.

despite so, i couldnt perk myself enough. when the surroundings, the background were beautiful, ugliness became oblivious. lost it that made me truly understand what opportunity means. i hate to do what im doing, but its imperative.

right away, back to singapore island, i went rock climbing @ yishun with my cousees!! it was fun! pretty stressful too when u climbed and realized that u cant go up higher, no energy, no ways, no lead. that feel sucks. but it was satisfying to reach the highest yea.

then gathering with the bunch of 1e3-4e1 peeps! hee! never fail to make me laugh! what a noisy pool game i had yesterday. ;p

lastly, collected my first ever 10k passion saucony run pack! the run is next sunday! o no, im excited! anxious! and really looking forward to the completion! bless me. anyway, 8018, nice number! hee! =)

stone collection

cruise was definitely a trip for me to relax my tensed mind a little. i had great time idling around the decks myself!

i kinda love this quiet, peacefulness, sereneness of life. strolling, watching sunset, sunrise, spending my time away freely! so pls bring me to new zealand. i heard people there live just that like! so carefree!! =)

this is front deck! cool! i was like steering the cruise! shiok.

my first sunrise, full of anticipation!

natural light.

another cruise cruised by! and a quickshot! hee!

many catching up to do! just had a sj gathering today! 8 turned up! =)

2e3to4e1 gathering next week!

hall girls gathering next week!
rock climbing this week! and im leaving for my redang trip tomorrow!!
o man. so fast! i havent rested enough at home! =d

im keeping my fingers crossed. hope the redang trip will be an enjoyable one for me. guys u can just leave me on the beach while u go snorkeling or canoe or do watever seagames yea!

hee. im just waiting for sunset and sunrise. =)

not the end

first time seeing my room so messy yea! because its time to move out! packing up was not so ez. hahaa. luckily daddy came this morning to help me move!
was kindda sad about departure last night! had my last long run around nus and hawpar, last visit to the rooftop, and last supper of the year with a bunch of year 1 kakis. so much laughters so much fun. but i guess they laughed at me more.
=( hehee.


my last goodnight sleep in c318. love it.
i hope c317 will be a better room! hopefully a funfilled sem to come, with my sistas all on the same level! wee!

so this marks the end of year1. wasnt easy academically, but ive enjoyed the progression. 3mths break ahead of me! its not a long actually. ive a page of agenda to settle. but before that, let me relax on the cruise first!!
yupiie. leaving in an hour! so, till then.