how long is this going to last

blame me.
hate me.
love me.

its weird seeing u again.
its often once in a year.
it feels weirder to call u.
and i thought i wont even bother to listen to you.
but apparently, i was saying a lot to you.
and they came from my heart.

like a full moon

shade some light
somethings glowing
aint too sure
but u'll realize it shines brightly
when surroundings are dark

heartfelt.
will u say?

lost

everyday and everynight will never be the same
dumb is just an understatement.
no words can describe the internal turmoil
when smile is just an act
and speech is just for show

nonsense maybe for now
but never sensible for long
whats want and whats need
whats you and whats me
a little gesture a few words
lights a lamp that leads the way
or blow off the fire that keeps the warmth

fairy tales are tales to say
to lie its way to make a dream
wheres the happy ending
when theres no prince no princess stay

no hero no heroin
no magic no power
no will no strength
no wish no hope

when bells start ringing
thats when i think im wind

wads there

if i can answer again
i will say no right now

silly stupid dumb crazy mad

hate myself

limited language
restricted vocab
banned action
so how to say

a sport that cannot win
an instrument that cannot play
no words no ways no chance to say

its bitter its sour
less spicy
yet blended and
taste nothing

i hate to say. what i cannot say.

pls make me believe

do u know how it feels to see your mailbox flooded with tons of mails regarding things that u dont wish to know?
pls make me believe..
which i still dont..
im really finding it hard..
im losing control..
i can still smile..
i can still talk..
but its never the same as before..
i dont want to know why..
i just want to get over..
u can try to convince me..
but i dont see how..
even if i have to lie every day..
cry every night..
i know the last day will still come..
im just praying.. for the day to come fast..
before i run out

a moment.

engulfed with sadness.
overwhelmed with gloominess.
filled with emptiness.
going into a state of melancholy that u have never seen.

gripping tightly,
to nothing,
come to realization,
to a false illusion.


would u pls share your happiness with me?
because i cant find mine
all i can feel is heartaches.

u said im old enough to think for myself.
but im not myself.
my life is not just mine.
is it all that easy?

im seeing what i wish i cant
im hearing what i wish i cant
im doing what i wish i dont

its not optimistic to be optimistic after all.

4hrs sleeps

im awake.
wide awake.
but im not too sure.
maybe its just.
even though i really.

crushed ice

counting down.
to an end or to a start?
this time its unusual.
its all or nothing.
taken all. and feel like a doll.
was it a choice? or was there a choice?
still in the midst.
kept numb. or rather, make numb.
glad that braces make unnatural, natural.
whats wrong was right? or all rights have a wrong.
i wish u can tell me.
but is it still meaningful?
i think at least u do.
in the search for intangibles, yet real.
maybe i should just lie to myself.
at least they heal.

hear who

im blinding myself. driving up the top.
i cant see the way. but i foresee the end.
my heart was not with me i thought.
dont scare me because im fault.


scared is just an understatement.
overwhelming fears, for the moment.
i need u to remind me not to be frighten.

i want to run.
but my legs go numb.
i want to ask u.
but i know u wont.
i want to cry.
which i really need.

all or nothing

it has come to the point where every man is for himself.
why doesnt people come and ask me what i really want instead of just throwing me on stage and expect me to perform and carry a name.
im not superficial. im not attention seeker. im not high flyer. im not high achiever. i just want to be me. but now its a repetition of situations where i really hate to be myself.
if its necessary for me, though for the wrong reason, i need someone else. i dont want a one man show.
im not a heroin, and i do not want to be one. i dont want to act its nothing when its not. i dont want to smile when im obviously unhappy. i dont want to say nevermind when i think it matters a lot. i dont want to fake and laugh through it all.
im serious but youre not. im trying to help but u dont seem to appreciate. i really dont know how much and what u want me to do.

dont say u know.
dont say u understand.
when u do not.
if sacrificing myself is to save u, then whos coming to save me?

running away

can u feel it?

it simply seems like my intuitions are 85% accurate most of the time.

of course, people change. so the other 15% is up to choice and chance.

but still, i cant figure out some things. in particular, yours truly.

i think im amazing! haha.
ran runus 5k two weeks ago. ran ahm 10k last week, which broke my record of 1hr03mins! wee! and did nike 10k yesterday! all 3 in consecutive sundays! =)
felt best running ahm. i guess its my thoughts that brought me forward each time. thats my best run. treasured the moments of ahm.




i felt it. do u?