4hrs sleeps

im awake.
wide awake.
but im not too sure.
maybe its just.
even though i really.

crushed ice

counting down.
to an end or to a start?
this time its unusual.
its all or nothing.
taken all. and feel like a doll.
was it a choice? or was there a choice?
still in the midst.
kept numb. or rather, make numb.
glad that braces make unnatural, natural.
whats wrong was right? or all rights have a wrong.
i wish u can tell me.
but is it still meaningful?
i think at least u do.
in the search for intangibles, yet real.
maybe i should just lie to myself.
at least they heal.

hear who

im blinding myself. driving up the top.
i cant see the way. but i foresee the end.
my heart was not with me i thought.
dont scare me because im fault.


scared is just an understatement.
overwhelming fears, for the moment.
i need u to remind me not to be frighten.

i want to run.
but my legs go numb.
i want to ask u.
but i know u wont.
i want to cry.
which i really need.

all or nothing

it has come to the point where every man is for himself.
why doesnt people come and ask me what i really want instead of just throwing me on stage and expect me to perform and carry a name.
im not superficial. im not attention seeker. im not high flyer. im not high achiever. i just want to be me. but now its a repetition of situations where i really hate to be myself.
if its necessary for me, though for the wrong reason, i need someone else. i dont want a one man show.
im not a heroin, and i do not want to be one. i dont want to act its nothing when its not. i dont want to smile when im obviously unhappy. i dont want to say nevermind when i think it matters a lot. i dont want to fake and laugh through it all.
im serious but youre not. im trying to help but u dont seem to appreciate. i really dont know how much and what u want me to do.

dont say u know.
dont say u understand.
when u do not.
if sacrificing myself is to save u, then whos coming to save me?

running away

can u feel it?

it simply seems like my intuitions are 85% accurate most of the time.

of course, people change. so the other 15% is up to choice and chance.

but still, i cant figure out some things. in particular, yours truly.

i think im amazing! haha.
ran runus 5k two weeks ago. ran ahm 10k last week, which broke my record of 1hr03mins! wee! and did nike 10k yesterday! all 3 in consecutive sundays! =)
felt best running ahm. i guess its my thoughts that brought me forward each time. thats my best run. treasured the moments of ahm.




i felt it. do u?

never know

sometimes i really wonder what am i made of.
or rather, what am i made for.
losing the adrenaline to carry on with days of overwhelming unpredictions.
losing the battle with the devil inside me.
losing the strength i hold on to my belief.
losing the might to stay true.
losing the will to smile.
so sometimes i wonder. why am i me.

it can be hilarious. it may be tickling u.
it can also mean nothing to u.
and all i can do is to say its ok. and act like it really is.
wtf.

dependent on others' happiness to be happy.

shacking yes. nodding no.

i wish ive the intelligence.
i wish ive the ability.
i wish ive the courage.
i wish ive the charm.

empathize with you bro. but the impediments are still there.
nobody will understand. no idea how to elaborate explicitly.
but truly understand how it feels to be in your position.
but politics. passion. are simply not my priorities anymore.
i cannot let that happen. should not. and will not.

but if i ever give a nod. thats when my heart really starts bleeding.


half-time
so surprised to see u back! familiar door knocking but never expected. hahaa. just felt so happy to see u! on yr birthday somemore!
big bro! jiayou! one year older, with one yr more of knowledge, capabilities and skills!
may u clamp your people down like a pivot in the match!