hate myself

limited language
restricted vocab
banned action
so how to say

a sport that cannot win
an instrument that cannot play
no words no ways no chance to say

its bitter its sour
less spicy
yet blended and
taste nothing

i hate to say. what i cannot say.

pls make me believe

do u know how it feels to see your mailbox flooded with tons of mails regarding things that u dont wish to know?
pls make me believe..
which i still dont..
im really finding it hard..
im losing control..
i can still smile..
i can still talk..
but its never the same as before..
i dont want to know why..
i just want to get over..
u can try to convince me..
but i dont see how..
even if i have to lie every day..
cry every night..
i know the last day will still come..
im just praying.. for the day to come fast..
before i run out

a moment.

engulfed with sadness.
overwhelmed with gloominess.
filled with emptiness.
going into a state of melancholy that u have never seen.

gripping tightly,
to nothing,
come to realization,
to a false illusion.


would u pls share your happiness with me?
because i cant find mine
all i can feel is heartaches.

u said im old enough to think for myself.
but im not myself.
my life is not just mine.
is it all that easy?

im seeing what i wish i cant
im hearing what i wish i cant
im doing what i wish i dont

its not optimistic to be optimistic after all.

4hrs sleeps

im awake.
wide awake.
but im not too sure.
maybe its just.
even though i really.

crushed ice

counting down.
to an end or to a start?
this time its unusual.
its all or nothing.
taken all. and feel like a doll.
was it a choice? or was there a choice?
still in the midst.
kept numb. or rather, make numb.
glad that braces make unnatural, natural.
whats wrong was right? or all rights have a wrong.
i wish u can tell me.
but is it still meaningful?
i think at least u do.
in the search for intangibles, yet real.
maybe i should just lie to myself.
at least they heal.

hear who

im blinding myself. driving up the top.
i cant see the way. but i foresee the end.
my heart was not with me i thought.
dont scare me because im fault.


scared is just an understatement.
overwhelming fears, for the moment.
i need u to remind me not to be frighten.

i want to run.
but my legs go numb.
i want to ask u.
but i know u wont.
i want to cry.
which i really need.

all or nothing

it has come to the point where every man is for himself.
why doesnt people come and ask me what i really want instead of just throwing me on stage and expect me to perform and carry a name.
im not superficial. im not attention seeker. im not high flyer. im not high achiever. i just want to be me. but now its a repetition of situations where i really hate to be myself.
if its necessary for me, though for the wrong reason, i need someone else. i dont want a one man show.
im not a heroin, and i do not want to be one. i dont want to act its nothing when its not. i dont want to smile when im obviously unhappy. i dont want to say nevermind when i think it matters a lot. i dont want to fake and laugh through it all.
im serious but youre not. im trying to help but u dont seem to appreciate. i really dont know how much and what u want me to do.

dont say u know.
dont say u understand.
when u do not.
if sacrificing myself is to save u, then whos coming to save me?