for you.

the lesson learnt, is to not ask, not expect, not want and all will be fine.
as i laid beside, feeling a lil bit of bliss.
thats all i need to breathe.

life puts me through nightmare over and over again.
and i strongly believe its to make me learn the hard way.
tears may flow. heart may be broken. life goes on.
theres many other reasons to keep me smiling. 

after all,
practice (acting) makes perfect.

despite that, i still have the heart, that keeps you warm.
and thats just me.

you're lucky.

Be. Contented.

May i take this as a miracle?

I'm totally petrified.

Really scared that it's just another bubble that will burst unexpectedly.

There's really some alikeness, and chemistry.

I hope, and i pray for, it's mutual. 

Want it so much, that i dare not want it.

I'm really scared. 

Please. 

That's all i ask for. 

simple. love.

i knew.it

30 July 2014 - you knew it, don't you
_______________

Thank you.
Thank you for being a part of my one and a half years.
Countless of disappointments, unmeasurable amount of tears.
Unlimited self denial, unknown lies. 
However tough, i really thought we could pull through and was always holding on to a tiny glimpse of what we call, 'hope'.
I thought i knew you, in and out. No one knows better.
Until the day, my mind and heart zoned out. 

Thank you.
For the coincidental bump onto your other half.
For the unintentional hearing of your disgusting self. 
Honestly, no ladies should go through what i have just did.
I pray for all my girl friends to never experience this.
The feelings are just, worst than heartbroken.

God.
Thank you.
The second phase was horrible and i was not sure.
Somehow, i could feel your little help.
Thank you, Peace. Love. Life.
I need to move on.
I deserve the best for mysel

Thank you.
My dearest friends, M, F, CK, A, HC, C.
For those who know, for standing by me.
For those who don't know, for never asking.
This is really warming.
Please forgive me for being the me then.
Truly appreciate. Every single bit of kindness.

Thank you.
Ray.

FUCK OFF

If I can kill

I would

To have a fucked up bitch at home

simply destroy my inner peace

I am willing to give up everything

Just to have her out of my life

Take her away!

Or you take me!

I HATE YOU! 

REALLY! 

Life. Mine.

All I could envisage was a career well-built in 10 years time.

There's a need for stability.

Swim. Grasp for air. Push. And Breathe.

This is going to take time. 10 years. It will be worth it.

Love can fade.

Feeling can change.

Promise can break.

Current will never progress any further.

Only to stay within the torn. Tearing the thinest bit of skin.

Somethings are beyond control and not within reach.

Then why not focus on those that you can make a difference to.

And make the greatest best change you can ever do.

FOCUS

When the desire to change exceed the desire to stay. 

Go away

It came back.
Then it slipped by again.
Making the tear even deeper.

If it hasn't started at all. If.
Was it ever true?

For having smittened and softened by the river.
The momentary.

Let me go.

unbelievable truth

I told myself to accept.

Nameless.
Darkness.
Feign ignorance.
Feign undisturbed.
Ask for less.
Give my best.

Putting everything and everyone else before me.
Feeling the guilt and swallowing every unpleasant word possible down my throat.
Smile and hold hopes to the tiniest sight of you, the softest sound of yours, the thinest smell of you and the slightest touch of yours.
Suppressing every single feel of yearning more.
Thinking that that's okay and enough.

All that felt like air on the diminishing sight of your back.
Deep inhale.

Reality slapped harder when the wait for you were filled with tons of care and concern.
Why was I like that.
And why now.

The day I thought of you.
The day you walked towards me.
The moment you moved closer to me.
Seemed like fairytale now. How can it be real I thought.
And just as I thought, it can't be for real.

Lost.
Yet another round of fear.
Fear in the bones, in the soul.