nobody is nice

I'm neither saint
its really hard to accept it

do i really have to act like i'm fine?

i'm NOT FINE!
i hate you!
I curse you!
i want you to suffer! worst than what I'm going through!
knowing that you do badly, will help me to feel better

i dont deserve this

bless other is to bless self

thank God for letting me know
for making me let go

twice and i felt that you helped me
im thankful and appreciate how you carry me through

same as i said to him before
i still wish him (them) bliss and happiness

true love is not necessary to spend it with you
but to let you have love your way

knowing that you're happy
im glad

heartache no

and so everything was a lie.
why. why is it me?
it hurts inside out.

it takes all my might to conceal.
my strength to behave normally.
my everything, to continue smiling.

tears no longer mean anything.
hope all crash.
you bring me up and hit me hard.

maybe i need to learn the hard way.
maybe this is how i need to move on.

but.
i dontknow what to do next.

am always there for you
and who's there when i needed you the most

Guide me please

i'm the kind, who will just act like there's nothing wrong
act like everything is great
so that others will not be worried for me.

i'm the kind, who will just act like i don't care
act like you don't matter
so that i will suffer alone.

i'm the kind, who will always be there if you need me
and be away when I'm not needed
because i don't want to put you in a spot.

i'm really tired of doing these.
life is short.
and i need to live life to my fullest.

but how?

heart-broken

my thoughts were to let them enjoy.
let them try out new things.
let them relax.
having others interest before me.
ended up with a rejection.

disappointed?
maybe. but I'm rather shocked at my unusual calmness.

maybe had too much disappointments.
till everything seems so normal and feels so numb.

fake a few times and it'll just become norm.

thank God I'm still breathing.
I'm really tired.

i've tried.
i really did.
and i think my heart cannot take it anymore.

Take me away

what is family?
what is love?

maybe thats the reason why i don't feel like living.
i pray to God to show me the light.

i work hard.
not all for myself.

but, at this moment, i ask myself.
for who then?

everything is so meaningless now
if i die.
let me go with dignity.

cry if you may. i will still feel that you care.
and I'm thankful to have your tears.

God, if I'm your angel, take me away.

i don't know how

i admit, i'm sensitive to YOUR numbers.
the moment you you and you talks about money, or spending, 
my mind just goes on a 'red alert' mode and i admit, i become cynical every time.

do you know it was you who made me like this?
i aint any stingy or ungenerous person. in fact just the opposite i am to my friends.
it isn't that i don't want to give you more and more monies.
i really want to.

I'm equally astonished and dumbfounded to realise how little the 3 of you saved and yet have the opportunities to travel, and to enjoy life.

is it that i don't know how to enjoy? and thats why I'm so unhappy?

God, i pray to you once again.
please guide me to my happiness.
im lost. 

i envy how little they have, yet they still can have fun.
in my mind, its about working hard, earn and save enough, so as to be able to still afford life if any unfortunate unforeseen incidents happen.
i don't wish that i would need to beg or have people to help. i know there will be those who are willing to offer, but, shouldn't we always try to solve problems by ourselves first?

is my sense of responsibility too strong?

yes, then how? God i need your advice.
I'm don't know how to balance.

i've bought the chanel bag.
i buy it because i think, after all these drama, i have nothing.
and perhaps a lil material item may perk me.
but i was wrong. i aint happy still.

God, whats wrong with me?
am i asking too much from others?
am i giving myself too much unnecessary stress?

how should i proceed from here?
can you you and you understand me just a tad more.